I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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