How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
