I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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