My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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