Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize