don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
