You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
