Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
