youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
