I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
