Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
