As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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