Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
