There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize