how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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