wanna go halves on a baby?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
