The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
