I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize