if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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