I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
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