matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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