Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
