Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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