i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
