I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
