Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
