i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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