I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
