Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
