I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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