Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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