Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
