Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
