I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
