i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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