HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
