My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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