was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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