Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
