I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
