Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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