I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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