i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
