That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
