I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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