Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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