pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
