You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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