last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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