if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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