why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
