I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The air was thick with penises
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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