you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
