apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize