Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
