I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
