my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
