You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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