Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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