I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
