I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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