I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
