I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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