Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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