I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
