what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
