Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
